So the idea about this blog entry came from a conversation I had on a dating site. In one of my photos I had on the Joy Division "Unknown Pleasures" shirt. A guy messaged me and commented on the shirt and our conversation began. He had said that he got over depressing music a long time ago. That got me thinking, what music stays with us till we die and what music is just a blip on our musical spectrum? And what decides this musical filing? Is it what we are going through at each phase of our life or do our musical taste broaden and what we thought was once amazing is just vanilla? Some bands will always be classic and no one will ever compare to them. In high school I started listening to punk music. I loved the energy and how it was formed around the idea of anti-establishment and conforming to all the latest trends. It's funny now because punk itself became a trend. You can see the punk look on fashion runways and hear bubblegum punk on the airwaves. While still liking punk music I transgressed to Industrial and 80's New Wave music. Partly to the fact that I started to date a guy who was into the music and introduced me to underground bands and cool movies. I think for me music has always grown up with me. It was the soundtrack to my life and I felt that it truly kept me alive. Like most teens I lacked self-confidence and felt indifferent. When I started high school I was a regular kid. I didn't fit into any of those clichéd labels. At the time I was dating a guy and this one night changed my life. It changed how I viewed the world, the clothes I wore, and the music I listened to. At the time I had no idea what sex truly was. It was a different time then how things are now. You can't turn on television without an ad or show with some sort of sexual innuendo or nudity. My world was quite simple and I really wasn't allowed to have a social life. It was all tame until this one night and my world became jaded. It became bitterly filled with sexual and social limitations that I would have to work through. That one night I was raped in the back seat of a car by the boy I had been seeing. It was late at night and he had picked me up down the road from where I lived. We had gone to a park and fooled around until it reached a level I wasn't comfortable with. I won't go into details any further, but this night changed me forever. As said before I was quite naive and thought this was what sex was supposed to be. I thought even if you didn't want to do it, you still did it. It wasn't until I had spoken to a trusted teacher after a sex ed session in class that I knew this had happened to me. I felt betrayed, embarrassed, and alone. I didn't want to tell my parents or anyone for that matter. I went into a depression and felt that somehow I brought this onto myself or that I was at fault, but music was my therapy. It took me years and an understanding boyfriend to pull me through the drudge to make me see that that night wasn't my fault and didn't define me. I would arise above it and be able to have real sexual interaction again. It will always be there of course, but it's not clutching onto my psyche as it once did. This is when I transformed into a girl who wore baggy clothes, closed myself off, and started to listen to "darker" music. I felt the angst of punk music a comfort. I also started listening to Joy Division, The Smiths, and Tori Amos to name a few at this point. Amos helped because she too had went through a similar experience as I had. I also started writing poetry at this time and obtained a new group of friends who shared the same tastes in music. We were the misfits or weirdos of the school. We mostly didn't participate in sports or football games on the weekend. We found comfort in skipping school and going to a nearby college town. It was great fun going to the record stores and hanging with college kids. It really opened a whole new world to me. The music and the scene helped me heal my wounds a bit. I didn't feel alone and felt that I had found myself in a sense. I pretty much kept this musical wave going until a few years after high school. That's when I started getting into metal. I think at the time I was angry with a lot of things and the heavy riffs and lyrics fed that need. I still loved my classic 80's and 90's music, but I was going through another wave in my musical spectrum. I rode that wave until a few years after my son was born and I started to mellow my music taste once again. I started getting out my old cds and having a listen again. It brought back memories of my teen years and sounded just as fresh as it did back then. It gave me comfort and warmth that no other music could. It had always spoke to me and was the voice when I had no words to utter. I'm not for sure if we over time disband our music tastes, but I do believe we go through phases or "waves" as I like to call them. If you put on a song from your youth or when you were going through a particular time in life, all those memories drift back to your psyche like a heavy downpour. There are some bands that have that magic today, but I don't think they could capture a memory as heavy as hearing The Smiths or Talking Heads for the first time. Especially back then because it was all so new and refreshing to what was being played on the airwaves at the time. Like many I don't even listen to the radio anymore. Very few times will I find something that speaks to me and makes me wanna look a band up. Of course, I do live in a small town in the midwest so that could play a huge part. Maybe when I'm older I will file my records in chronological order like Rob did in High Fidelity. Right now they are just mixed up all together and I'm sure it's an OCD nightmare to some. To this day I will go through my records and forget a record I bought when I was a teen. It's kind of a pleasant surprise. So at least in my experience music can get you through a difficult time in your life and change everything from that point forward. It can change you as a person and can broaden your outlook on life. It can be that warm blanket, that fuzzy memory, or the place that makes you realize you aren't the only one to feel the way you do. I never gave up on depressing music and perhaps he wasn't depressed enough to appreciate the music that got him through life? {Side note: This is probably the most personal blog entry to date, but looking back at my musical spectrum it was a defining moment. If someone who reads this has went through the same thing, I hope they will know they're not alone. }
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AuthorAngela Marie. I like writing. I like music. I have thoughts falling from my head. Archives
July 2018
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