When someone dies you may stop and reflect about your own life and mortality. Especially when the death wasn't from a life long illness and was a life taken in tragedy. I've been to many funerals and have had to put together my own Father's memorial video at his funeral. I also synced songs from his favorite singer Dean Martin onto the memorial video. I recently put together a playlist on Spotify that had all the songs I want to be played at my funeral. I have went to funerals before where the family did not do as their loved ones wished when putting together their funeral. You really didn't see or hear anything that truly reflected the person who passed. I know it's a tough time for the family and you really don't want to deal with what kind of flowers for the funeral or what memory card looks the best. You just want that person back and for it all to be a horrible nightmare. So on my Spotify playlist I chose songs that I love and that would probably fit the mood. I know even if I wanted people to just celebrate my life, it wouldn't happen. I did end the playlist with a more up beat song, so that will satisfy what I want. Does this all sound egotistical or just reassuring that my funeral will truly reflect "me"? I'm hoping the latter as I truly don't think any hymnals played would be "me." So, I'll share my funeral playlist and maybe you'll think of yours as well? To me, it's just as important as a will. I know that sounds crazy, but music is my life and is something to be shared and celebrated just as someone's life is. 1. Perfect Day-Lou Reed (Transformer) 2. Life Goes On-The Damned (Strawberries) 3. Love Will Tear Us Apart-Joy Division (Single) 4. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out-The Smiths (The Queen Is Dead) 5. This Must Be The Place(Naive Melody)-Talking Heads (The Best Of) 6. One Day-The Verve (Urban Hymns) 7. Heaven Wait-White Lies (Big TV) 8. In My Life-The Beatles (Rubber Soul) 9. You Only Live Twice-Nancy Sinatra (James Bond:You Only Live Twice) 10. I Just Wasn't Made For These Times-Beach Boys (Made In California) 11. Angie-Rolling Stones (Goats Head Soup) 12. A Dream Of You And Me-Future Islands (Singles) 13. Three Little Birds-Bob Marley & The Wailers (Legend)
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So the idea about this blog entry came from a conversation I had on a dating site. In one of my photos I had on the Joy Division "Unknown Pleasures" shirt. A guy messaged me and commented on the shirt and our conversation began. He had said that he got over depressing music a long time ago. That got me thinking, what music stays with us till we die and what music is just a blip on our musical spectrum? And what decides this musical filing? Is it what we are going through at each phase of our life or do our musical taste broaden and what we thought was once amazing is just vanilla? Some bands will always be classic and no one will ever compare to them. In high school I started listening to punk music. I loved the energy and how it was formed around the idea of anti-establishment and conforming to all the latest trends. It's funny now because punk itself became a trend. You can see the punk look on fashion runways and hear bubblegum punk on the airwaves. While still liking punk music I transgressed to Industrial and 80's New Wave music. Partly to the fact that I started to date a guy who was into the music and introduced me to underground bands and cool movies. I think for me music has always grown up with me. It was the soundtrack to my life and I felt that it truly kept me alive. Like most teens I lacked self-confidence and felt indifferent. When I started high school I was a regular kid. I didn't fit into any of those clichéd labels. At the time I was dating a guy and this one night changed my life. It changed how I viewed the world, the clothes I wore, and the music I listened to. At the time I had no idea what sex truly was. It was a different time then how things are now. You can't turn on television without an ad or show with some sort of sexual innuendo or nudity. My world was quite simple and I really wasn't allowed to have a social life. It was all tame until this one night and my world became jaded. It became bitterly filled with sexual and social limitations that I would have to work through. That one night I was raped in the back seat of a car by the boy I had been seeing. It was late at night and he had picked me up down the road from where I lived. We had gone to a park and fooled around until it reached a level I wasn't comfortable with. I won't go into details any further, but this night changed me forever. As said before I was quite naive and thought this was what sex was supposed to be. I thought even if you didn't want to do it, you still did it. It wasn't until I had spoken to a trusted teacher after a sex ed session in class that I knew this had happened to me. I felt betrayed, embarrassed, and alone. I didn't want to tell my parents or anyone for that matter. I went into a depression and felt that somehow I brought this onto myself or that I was at fault, but music was my therapy. It took me years and an understanding boyfriend to pull me through the drudge to make me see that that night wasn't my fault and didn't define me. I would arise above it and be able to have real sexual interaction again. It will always be there of course, but it's not clutching onto my psyche as it once did. This is when I transformed into a girl who wore baggy clothes, closed myself off, and started to listen to "darker" music. I felt the angst of punk music a comfort. I also started listening to Joy Division, The Smiths, and Tori Amos to name a few at this point. Amos helped because she too had went through a similar experience as I had. I also started writing poetry at this time and obtained a new group of friends who shared the same tastes in music. We were the misfits or weirdos of the school. We mostly didn't participate in sports or football games on the weekend. We found comfort in skipping school and going to a nearby college town. It was great fun going to the record stores and hanging with college kids. It really opened a whole new world to me. The music and the scene helped me heal my wounds a bit. I didn't feel alone and felt that I had found myself in a sense. I pretty much kept this musical wave going until a few years after high school. That's when I started getting into metal. I think at the time I was angry with a lot of things and the heavy riffs and lyrics fed that need. I still loved my classic 80's and 90's music, but I was going through another wave in my musical spectrum. I rode that wave until a few years after my son was born and I started to mellow my music taste once again. I started getting out my old cds and having a listen again. It brought back memories of my teen years and sounded just as fresh as it did back then. It gave me comfort and warmth that no other music could. It had always spoke to me and was the voice when I had no words to utter. I'm not for sure if we over time disband our music tastes, but I do believe we go through phases or "waves" as I like to call them. If you put on a song from your youth or when you were going through a particular time in life, all those memories drift back to your psyche like a heavy downpour. There are some bands that have that magic today, but I don't think they could capture a memory as heavy as hearing The Smiths or Talking Heads for the first time. Especially back then because it was all so new and refreshing to what was being played on the airwaves at the time. Like many I don't even listen to the radio anymore. Very few times will I find something that speaks to me and makes me wanna look a band up. Of course, I do live in a small town in the midwest so that could play a huge part. Maybe when I'm older I will file my records in chronological order like Rob did in High Fidelity. Right now they are just mixed up all together and I'm sure it's an OCD nightmare to some. To this day I will go through my records and forget a record I bought when I was a teen. It's kind of a pleasant surprise. So at least in my experience music can get you through a difficult time in your life and change everything from that point forward. It can change you as a person and can broaden your outlook on life. It can be that warm blanket, that fuzzy memory, or the place that makes you realize you aren't the only one to feel the way you do. I never gave up on depressing music and perhaps he wasn't depressed enough to appreciate the music that got him through life? {Side note: This is probably the most personal blog entry to date, but looking back at my musical spectrum it was a defining moment. If someone who reads this has went through the same thing, I hope they will know they're not alone. } They say never meet your idols because you'll be disappointed, but this wasn't the case when meeting Johnny Marr in November 2013. After standing in the pouring rain before the show, we stood outside in the snow for probably a half hour more waiting for Johnny to come outside. For some reason I had this feeling we would meet him, if we were patient. My friend wanted to leave because let's face it..it was freaking cold..snowing..and any minute our feet and hands would turn into frozen fish sticks. I just kept telling my friend "Five more minutes..just five more minutes..I know we're going to meet him!" He came out of his tour bus and instructed us to go back into the venue to get autographs. This is not a normal "rock star" thing. Most go to the bus and that's it. We stood in line patiently and eagerly waiting for our moment. I was freaking out because I looked like crap. My hair was ruined due to the snow..it looked like I had been at a rave all night. Then my phone died..NO! I mean..seriously..doesn't that seem like it should be in a movie or something? Just before you meet your idol your phone says..Goodbye loser! Thankfully my friend had his wits about him and didn't use his phone during the show. The guy in front of us had the Rank album for Johnny to sign and was chatting him up for a bit. I just wanted to press the fast forward button on that scene. Finally, he is done..it is now our turn! Johnny talked to my friend and got his picture with him. I couldn't help but grin like an idiot and trying to stop from peeing myself. I just couldn't believe he was standing inches from me in the flesh. How did this happen? How did I get here? Is this real? It felt like an out of body experience truthfully. It was then my turn and I was trying to think of what to say. Something clever..or cool..or everything I ever wanted to say to him...but all I could do was just look at him and smile. He pointed out my Joy Division shirt and I thanked him so much for coming to Indianapolis since most go to Chicago anymore. He asked my name and signed my record. I then got a picture of him and it wasn't just a regular mate hug, it was a real hug. Like he knew that we were real longtime fans and that this meant a lot to us. He thanked us and kissed my hand! I was beyond excited. I felt like Marcia Brady not wanting to wash because Davey Jones kissed her cheek. Johnny Marr actually took my hand like a gentleman and kissed it! Now that had to be a dream, right? No..all reality. I wanted to relive that moment over and over again. Actual live in that moment and never let go. Even though you truly enjoy the moment, you always wish you could enjoy it even more if possible. After we had our meet and greet I couldn't contain myself. I latched on to my friend's sleeve with glee and said "Can you fucking believe we just fucking met Johnny Fuckin Marr?!" And yes, his middle name is "Fuckin"..look it up..oh and I have a button that proves it! It was truly one of the best nights of my life and one that I will always cherish. He made me feel like I was 16 again. I actually jumped up and down during the show and caught all those nostalgic feelings when he played Smith's songs. A few days later I sent Johnny a message and thanked him so much for that night. I have Osteoarthritis and it sometimes is very hard to get around much less go to a concert jumping around and standing for hours. I remember trying to hold the camera to record some video and my achy hands were struggling to hold it up. He wrote back thanking me for the message and wishing me luck with everything. For some drugs and alcohol are their highs, but for me the best high is going to a concert. It's a high like no other and is something you will carry with you like a badge for the rest of your life. You will beam for days on end thinking how wonderful it was and how much you want to experience it again..over and over and over. Truthfully without music many of us would not be here. I know without bands like The Smiths, Joy Division, etc. I would not be here. If you didn't have that friend or parent saying Hey, I've been there and understand then The Smiths and Ian Curtis would be that voice. This is why after all these years bands like this have cult followings. I can only speak for myself, but you never forget the ones who helped you through all the lows in life. You feel like you owe it to the artist for helping you through the tough times and still remaining in your life when the undeniable transition to adulthood becomes evident. Johnny Marr is the most down to Earth guy and just a class act. He's the guy everyone wants to hang out and have a beer with chatting about music and the world. Johnny Marr is legend..that is all. -Thanks again to Johnny Marr for a great night!- |
AuthorAngela Marie. I like writing. I like music. I have thoughts falling from my head. Archives
July 2018
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